he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
