Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
