Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
