I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Jerry, you need to find god
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
