You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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