A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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