I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
His nipple licking is glorious
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