The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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