she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
