Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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