end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
