Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
