the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
