Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
