It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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