I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
