Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
