her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
