Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
