So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
