Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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