You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
