I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
