Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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