so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
