There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just forgot I was standing up.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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