There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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