Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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