I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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