She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
