So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was confusing and full of hummus
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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