Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
