i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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