I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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