never play flip cup with pint glasses
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
