I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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