god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
