Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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