I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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