Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
