A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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