i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
