i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
