ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
