If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
