Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
