twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
