my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
