My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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