Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
