This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My ATM looks so different sober.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
