You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
